i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
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