I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
