Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
