So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
