I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
