I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
