I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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