also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
