If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
PANTIES FOUND
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