I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
