i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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