What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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