There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
