yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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