i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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