My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
