If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
