just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
