I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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