i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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