saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
