You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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