my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
