rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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