She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
