I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
