she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
