Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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