he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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