The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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