totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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