i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
