So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
