She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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