my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
