Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.

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(425): View more from Washington

God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.

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(434): View more from Virginia

I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.

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(734): View more from Michigan

and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us

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(301): View more from Maryland

Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?

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