I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
