well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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