final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
