I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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