John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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