its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
