Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
