Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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