why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Randomize
