Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
