32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Randomize
