I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
