you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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