Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
