I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
BRING THE BAGELS
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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