It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
