??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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