When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
