Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
