Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
