just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize