that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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