I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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