I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
