When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
how do flat chested girls get laid?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Randomize
