I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
