A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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