who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
We just shotgunned beers for America
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize