I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
