what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
