my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
