On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
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