i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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